i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
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