we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
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