She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Randomize
