Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
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Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
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The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
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