I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
