I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
