I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
