i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Your topless pictures make me question reality
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
