Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
Randomize
