im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
