Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
