You're so nebulous sometimes
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
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