i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Randomize
