broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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