The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
