I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
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