Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
