I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
