Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
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I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
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I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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