I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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