just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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