Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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