Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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