Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I lost the right to judge tonight
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
