i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Just woke up with only a scarf and my uggs on. i hate partying naked in winter.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
