i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
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