I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
