Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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