i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
