i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Randomize
