Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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