theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
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