Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
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