i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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