And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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