Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
I just want nice things and good sex
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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