Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
