if you like me you must not know who I am
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Randomize
