So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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