On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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