I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
