My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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