just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
