the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
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