he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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