her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
Randomize
