How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
watching spice world high feels so wrong yet so right
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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