We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
