Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
