I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
