Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
