I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
You know, be my cock's hype man.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
