get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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