I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
