the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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