I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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