what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
