If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
