end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
