Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
