I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
This house was built for laser tag.
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Randomize
